Jokes 46

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them,and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children.'

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with passion, more creativity,more heat than she has ever known.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how
was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'You did well, not bad at all, help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf




Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand"

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfair is next Monkey.

Couldn't believe what I was hearing yesterday when the wife said:

"Darling, I fancy a nude whore"

being valentines day, my mind went into overdrive imagining a steamy threesome.

Unfortunately, she continued:

"Do you think we should get a upvc one, or a traditional wooden one?"



A Gorilla goes into a bar:

"A pint of bitter please..."

The barman pours him a pint of the best Yorkshire bitter.
(The pub is in Leeds...)

"That'll be £4.50, please..." says the barman.

As the Gorilla pays his money and takes his place at the bar, the barman quips:

"We don't get many Gorillas in here, tha knows..."

The Gorilla, stoney faced but as straight laced as they come, replies:

"A'm not surprised at £4.50 a pint..."


I said to my wife earlier "it's going to rain" she asked "how can you tell?"
I said because your mum is lying down


Marrying a mail order bride was a big mistake.
My wife just doesn't understand me.


My parents used to beat me with a phone.
I was always on the receiving end.


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.



P.S. Got me too....


A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but
he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'




What do you call a night cleaner with two birds of prey on his shoulders ?

Hawk-Kestrel man-hoovers in the Dark!



What you doing on the computer, she asked.

Looking for cheap flights, I said.

Oh I love you, she said, then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex in ages.....

Which is odd really, she has never taken an interest in darts before.


The Queen was attending a dedication service in the north of England.
It was a chilly day and she couldn't make up her mind which hat to wear;
The Fox Fur or the beaver.

She decided to ask Prince Philip. "Where are you going?" he asked ---- "Wigan" replied the Queen.

"Wear the Fox Hat" said the Prince.

"It's just off the M6 Jnc 25" answered Her Majesty.


Wife asked me what i was going to do when she went out.I said i couldnt decide whether to watch golf or porn. She said "watch porn you already know how to play golf".