I was sat on the toilet the other night, straining really hard with all my might, when suddenly, there was a loud POP and everything when dark.
“Honey are you OK!?” Called my wife from the other room. “There’s been a powercut!”
“Thank God for that!” I shouted back.
“I thought my eyeballs had burst !”
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.’
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied granny. ‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ‘He’d still be alive if the ice cream van hadn’t come along…
Handy man wanted
Paddy walks in the store and applies for the job.
the boss asks can you work a lathe?
no says Paddy
can you drive a delivery truck?
no says Paddy
the boss then asks,…so what makes you handy then??
“I only live around the corner”
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells “Super Pussy!”
The old man says “I’ll have the soup.”
We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for smart Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Donald Trump fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Donald Trump?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Donald Trump fan.”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
A zebra walks into a bar, barman says to the zebra,
“You can’t come in here, you’re barred!”
Sign in a shoe repair store:
We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you.
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
In a Podiatrist’s office:
Time wounds all heels.
At an Optometrist’s Office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.
On a Plumber’s truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On an Electrician’s truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.`
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a Restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.`
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We’ll wait.`
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.`
Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises
On another Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’ Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?’So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’
‘ Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘Well, DON’T, ‘ cause I’m in Perth .
After having their 11th child, a Cardiff couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Cardiff fan said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
‘Trust me, it will do the job’, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand
A school teacher is explaining to her class the meaning of the words ‘moral of the story’. When she’s finished, she turns to one of her students; “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes miss. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Carol when she’s drinking.”