Jokes 48

I will never forget my childhood summers when we would climb inside old tyres and roll down the hills. They were goodyears.

 

Bob found that going sailing gave him a sense of porpoise...

 

I offered the old lady next door £10 for a go on her Stannah stair lift...

I thinks she's going to take me up on it.

 

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end of the world is nigh!!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

 

 

Cardiff is planning to twin with Las Vegas. In both places you can exchange chips for sex.

Silence is golden; unless you have kids then it's just suspicious.

 

 

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband,begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote...'

 

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.
Psychiatrists believe he had serious selfie steam issues.

 

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to the supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled
and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

 

 

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the
pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "145, -- Miles, from
Dublin."

 

My friend got a group of pigeons to perform at his wedding - that was a major coo....

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her Grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her Grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different. What made it different? asked her parents. Well, she replied, Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, usless git on the whole journey.

 

When I get home late from the pub.

I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.

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