Jokes by Spense (#49)

Roy Hodgson was asked whether he Tweets…

“Oh yes” said Roy

“I tweeted my wife to a nice womantic meal just the other night!”

Went into the estate agents today,there was a beautiful blonde agent,about 25 with a button too many undone on her blouse so i could see deep into her ample cleavage. I only went into to look at a flat but came out with a semi.

After everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for those who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 km long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves;I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

As a joke, I thought I’d sign up one of my mates to a gay dating website.
All was going well until the site came up with, “email address already in use”

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West…
…could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A Cardiff fan is booking into a guest house and looking around reception and notices a sign on the wall.

He says to the owner, “What time do YOU get in by?”The owner looks confused and says, “Well, I am the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?” Cardiff fan says says, “Well, on that sign there, it says guests have to be in before you!”

The owner says, “No, you thick git! It says: “Guests must be in before 1 am!!”

I took my granddad to one of those fancy health spas where all the thousands of tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost me £35 but was much cheaper than a funeral.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

I have a measured IQ of 120 which puts me in the very superior intelligence level.
And it only cost me £3.50 plus one standard rate text message to find out.