I was just waiting for my sister at Heathrow airport, as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted “Hi sis”…
Blimey, never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

Mid-Wife for sale; Can deliver

How many Swansea Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don’t know. The lightbulb tends to outlast them.

“Hello? is it me you’re looking for?”
“Yes Lionel, it is, now I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to leave Sea World now because we’ve had reports that you’ve been dancing on the sea lion.

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers
“What cut do you think would make me more attractive?”
“A power cut” ….was apparently was the wrong answer!

Be wary of your girlfriend wanting a dominatrix outfit, they are usually white and flowing with a veil.

I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, You spoil those dogs…..!

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles.
She said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah and little heads’

I visited a faith healer yesterday. He was absolutely rubbish. Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

The clocks go forward at the weekend OR if you have a poltergeist in your house … forward, back, up, down, across the room.

I’ve been watching that new football drama series on catchup TV. It’s called the champions league. It’s very good but to be honest it’s a little bit far-fetched.

I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.“ Identify it “. She replied

Bilbo and Frodo Baggins have had their benefits sanctioned and are being investigated after it has come to light that they have been co hobbiting.

On the phone to the undertaker the other day:
“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director. “That includes digging the grave.” “Is that the whole thing?” I asked. “Yes Sir,” he replied patiently. “The grave IS the hole thing.”

got my Anniversary card from Moonpig this year. She hates it when I call her that.

After Manchester City’s win yesterday which saw them defend their Premier League title, police arrested 100 Liverpool fans with flares in the city. The same ones apparently, they were wearing 29 years ago when they last won the title.

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

The wife said she’s leaving me because she’s sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you’re wondering why she’s typed ‘everything’ in capitals, it’s to emphasize the point.