The following email was sent from Swansea City Football Club to all other clubs in the football and Premier League on 1st April 2019. One of the staff who have been made redundant at the club forwarded a copy of an email to us but wishes to remain anonymous.
The SALE OF THE CENTUARY!!
Dear fellow club owning chums. Like you, we love running a soccer club but find the player transfer window so long and drawn out. In America, we love big, fast business without the drawn out process and so lets cut to the chase. At Swansea City we have a truly wonderful soccer academy with the next superstars waiting to get on that field but wish to sell the current superstars in order to give the next generation a real chance. We are giving you the opportunity to acquire these established mega-Championship-Superstars at discount prices.
Take a peak, I’m sure you’ll see what you are looking for! We have a fine selection of players who we will offer at a spectacular discount of up to 100% off market value.
Erwin Mulder: £50,000
They shoot, he saves! They shoot again and he saves again. Erwin Mulder is undoubtedly the best goalkeeper in all of England but Swansea City have a 16 year old in the academy who is nearly 5 foot 8 now and we want to give him a chance. That gives your club the chance to acquire the services of this truly sputendous European soccer sensation at just £50,000. That’s nearly £70 million less than Allyson at Liverpool and we say that Mulder is even better! Only one Mulder available, when he’s gone, he’s gone!
Kyle Naughton: FREE
Kyle Naughton is so good that we asked coach Potter to play him in different positions just to give the opposition a chance. He’s handsome, he’s pretty, he could be queen of New York City but he could also be yours for FREE! That’s right, for FREE!!! Plus, we offer free delivery.
Kristoffer Nordfeltd: PACKET OF CRISPS!
Sweden make great meatballs but they also produce fantastic goalkeepers and none better than this international. In some matches, he made some mistakes but only because we asked him to for entrainment purposes; fans get so bored with deadlock games. Get him in your team and you will be sure to win the league, any league! Swap him for a packet of crisps (ready salted). Price negotiable.
Tom Carroll: FREE
We love Tom. We just sent him to Birmingham for a few months because we love him so much and we hear that it’s a beautiful city. He can pass it, sometimes he passes it forwards. We ask him not to tackle because he’s just so pretty and little. We have ‘Little Toms’ as we call them in the super academy that we have and so we just want to find Tom a good home. FREE to good club but must have own football pitch!
Courtney Baker-Richardson: FREE
Courtney has a great name, a really great name. Back home we know a Courtney but that Courtney has a pussy but Baker-Richardson is more of a dog person. He’s big and strong and loves to score goals, perfect for any Championship club who want to get to the Premier League. FREE
Cian Harries: FREE
Don’t be put off by his name, it is really simple to say, its ‘key-ann’. A great young player from our super academy, you’d love him, great guy, really great guy and a really wonderful footballer, probably the most wonderful footballer there is.
Daniel James: £2 million
OK, so we know there are a lot of interest in Mr James but we just want to get it sorted quickly. We hoped to have it sorted back in January but that Mr Jenkins refused to sell him. £2 million, first come, first serve, we only have one of him.
Yan Dhanda: FREE
I hear from our friends in Liverpool that he’s really good but nobody in Swansea has ever seen him play. He’s really exciting though!
Nathan Dyer: FREE
We wanted to take Mr Dyer to DC United but couldn’t get a green card for him because of some hand bag incident on his record but he’s not stolen anything for years. Super fast and no doubt he will be off the shelf super fast so act now if you want to get this man in your started eleven!
Van Der Hoorn: 50p
We don’t miss a trick here at Swansea City Soccer School. His contract was up, we extended it and so now we can sell him! 50p and you can get the club captain! Best defender in England! I like to feel super cool and call him ‘VDH’… it is short for Van Der Hoorn!
George Byers: £500,000
He’s Scottish but don’t be put off by the fact that he can’t get in the Scottish squad and they are really shit! He’s so marketable this guy, the real deal! Football, he’s OK but he’s got that swagger and smile, looks great in photos! Real value of a soccer club is marketing! We know how to run soccer clubs, all that matters is marketing and this guy looks great in a par of shorts!
Jay Fulton: £100,000
Another Scottish player who can’t get in their shit squad but now the Seven toll bridge has stopped their financial charging then we will see Scottish managers back in West England Wales. Great player and sure to be a Scottish captain.
Barrie McKay: Bag of Peanuts
It isn’t every day that you can bag yourself a Scottish international for the price of a bag of peanuts but you literally can today! This tricky little wide player chips in with goals and assist and contributed to the all round team game and can be yours for a bag of peanuts (dry roasted).
Declan John: FREE
A solid, reliable left back whose name kind of reflects the boring, reliable and unexcitingness about him but every club needs a boring player with a boring name; look at James Milner at Liverpool!
Ollie McBurnie: £1.5 million
GOALS, GOALS, GOAls. The Swansea city soccer goal machine that just keeps scoring. He’s Scottish too and he plays for them sometimes! Very environmentally conscientious, especially with cotton. He hates seeing those poor cotton farmers struggling to get cotton for his socks.
Connor Roberts: £750,000
You say Trent Alexander Arnold I say ‘Hey Arnold. Take a look at Connor!’. Best full back in the world! But we have a 15 year old who can now tie up his own shoe laces and we think he deserves a chance at the Liberty, so Connor is not needed here anymore. Grab a bargain!
Bersant Celina: £1 million
The best Kosovan soccer player in the history of Kosovo! He scored against the Manchester City FA Cup winning Eleven and used to play for them too, he even got on the field in real games!!
Matt Grimes: WE WILL PAY YOU £750,000 TO TAKE HIM!
Swansea bestest player of the year according to the fans (fans know nothing about football though!). He’s boring, likes to pass the ball a lot, we like players who shoot and kick long field goals. To be honest, we fucking hate Matt Grimes and his fucking passing.
Joe Rondon: £500,000
Tall, young, free and handsome! I don’t know about the free, in fact, we are all friends; have him for free!
Joel Asoro: FREE
Super good, super fast. The best Swedish winger at the club!
The out of contract:
TAKE YOUR PICK……At Swansea City, player welfare is very important to us which is why we are helping these players find clubs even though we no longer have the financial burden of them (WOOOHOOO!!!)
Wayne Routledge:Swansea all time top goalscoring Premier League superstar!
Martin Olsson:Swedish left back. He;s good.
Leroy Fer:Cool name!
Luciano Narsingh:He’s quick